Strange Tales from the Chick-Fil-A

You don't want to know what they put in that, man

So I’ve decided to revive this blog as more of a cultural critique. The Chick-Fil-A angle had a limited time span, obviously.

So once I was watching an old football game on ESPN Classic while I was home from college on break. My mom walks by and notices how the fans and players reacted to positive occurences by just jumping up and down like mad and hugging. Today, players don’t do that. No one does, really. 

This clip of the Stones playing for a teen show in 1964 sort of exemplifies the unadulterated joy I’m thinking about. I wish we could have that for…anything really.

No Shoes, No Shirt, No Persecution Complex, No Service

So yesterday came and went. This all still seems like so much old news to me.

When I worked there, CFA sponsored and in many ways ran a Pentecostal day camp and fun fair for kids. It’s their right. But damn, you’d think this was a new thing to people on both sides. Suddenly it’s a new sacrament to either hate or love this place. But it’s always been Christian, and not very mainstream. No Methodist potlucks here.

Reminds me of the time I got “anointed with oil” during work and flipped the fuck our. Yeah, seriously.

I was minding my own business. Probably cleaning up for the lunch rush. I was probably about 20 at the time. I worked most mornings before going to class in college, because I was a masochist. I’m standing around sweeping and restocking supplies when this other manager…let’s call her Sheila…walks up to me. Does she tell me something to do? Say “good job wasting your prime years slinging fried meat?”

NO SHE DUMPS A DAMN BOTTLE OF BABY OIL ON MY HEAD. It got in my eyes, in my mouth, and all over my forehead. She starts to…draw a cross on my head? Apply it to my scalp? I have no clue, but like any sane person who’d had oil dumped on them and had done woman’s dirty fingers rubbing their scalp and face, I started swatting wildly and sputtering “WHAT THE FUCK!?” and immediately ran to the bathroom to wash it off.

Apparently this is a normal thing in some churches, but guess what? Most people will find you insane if you do this to them! So be sure to ask someone if they attend Our Lady of Holy Fuck What Is Your Problem before dumping oil on them.

The lady who did this was very upset with me for cussing and being belligerent (wtf). This was supposed to be a “blessing”! Then again research also shows me she might have been trying to cast out demons, which is much cooler to imagine. I had a demon! Shoulda bottled that when I had it. Might come in handy in my next DnD game. So she thought she was being nice.

Well guess what? It was a nuisance and you are weird and your church is so damn crazy if you do drive by oilings (AND THIS IS COMING FROM A FORMER SOUTHERN BAPTIST).

Today’s Events

For now, I’ll leave you with a quote from TV’s Frank:

“Today is Chick-Fil-A Day, which is also the kickoff for National Diarrhea Month”

Beach for the weekend. More Sex, Lies, and Chicken on Tuesday, including promised stories. Til then, enjoy this musical interlude.

Whaddup Ninjas, Want Some Nuggetz?

When I left CFA, a large majority of the people that worked there were either private Christian academy (the kind set up in the 60s and 70s to combat desegregation) students or grads or homeschoolers. Strangely, it wasn’t always that way. When I started there, I and almost all the others that worked there went to crazy ‘ol public schools. And many of my coworkers didn’t even listen to Christian Rock! Gasp! Well, actually, we sorta know now that they WERE listening to Christian music all along and didn’t know it.

You see, I worked with Juggalos. 

Yes. Really. Juggalos at the Chick-Fil-A. Real live Faygo-drinkin’, Gathering-attendin’, white trash Juggalos. And proud, too! Until then, I thought it was something you hid, like a crazy fetish for white old man Hanes underwear, or a love of Dubstep (SICK BURN!). 

These kids were good for supplying weed (it’s why most of them got fired), but other than that, there was only one memorable thing about them.

Once they all got off of work early to attend an ICP show. 2 hours after leaving, they all returned, pissed as hell, dressed like carnies crossed with bad KISS knockoffs. 

You see, the show had been cancelled due to the fact that…they were the only ones to buy tickets.

More information on Juggalos can be found here, if you don’t have the misfortune of remembering them from late-90s WWE: http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2004/juggalo/

WinShape Foundation and Exodus International

Much has been written about this topic. It’s why Chick-Fil-A has fallen into controversy (at least among those who are lgbt or allies) as of late.

If you haven’t heard, WinShape is the charitable arm of Chick-Fil-A. I fully believe that a number of their initiatives are just and kind and helpful, such as their longtime sponsorship of orphanages and marriage counseling.

Of course, that’s heterosexual marriage counseling, but you knew that.

The real problem lies in the causes that WinShape doles out its own money to, namely the controversial organization for “ex-homosexuals,” a term that itself is up for much debate.

I could spill much ink about this issue, but plenty of others have written about it previously in much better prose than I can manage here. I suggest checking out the primary sources themselves, the Exodus International website (http://exodusinternational.org/) and the American Psychological Association’s information on Sexual Orientation (http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/just-the-facts.aspx). If you want more information on the “ex-homosexual” movement, you can either look at the EI site, or try the resources gathered by ExGayWatch.com, a site chronicling the ex-gay movement and its actions (http://www.exgaywatch.com/wp/2005/10/exodus-internat-2/).

I know some of the people that may read this now or in the future may be very partial to CFA and WinShape. I know already that some of my former coworkers appear to be reading this. All I have for them, and others like them, are questions:

- What causes same-sex attraction?

- Why do you think the APA believes that homosexuality is not a mental disorder, as many used to and still insist?

- How would you feel if someone tried to alter something at the very core of your being, such as your heterosexuality?

- Do you feel your gay friends (if you have them) are happy? Why or why not?

- Are they any more or less happy than you and those like you are?

- Are they worthy of the same protections by law that you have? Why or why not?

With respect to Voltaire

I disagree with your views, but I will defend to the death your right to hold them.

That’s a paraphrase of the eminent 18th century philosopher, but it encapsulates much of my feelings about the issue which CFA has found its way into as of late. In recent days, elected officials in Chicago and Boston have attempted to use their power to block the construction of these restaurants in their cities. I find it troubling that one’s right to open a business and hold property can be subjected to the fiat of one powerful person. Political and moral views do not make one more or less worthy of the same rights we all should have.

Now, I am aware that CFA has used its money to back groups that WOULD try to usurp certain rights. But, after taxes, their money is really there own. To say otherwise is to start a dangerous precedent which make one’s freedom dependent on their moral and political views. Once again, Voltaire.

If you find what they spend their money on repugnant, join me in avoiding their food.

Also, this blog is not simply a CFA takedown. It’s a humorous sociological look at the insulated world of Evangelical Christianity that it represents.

Ok, glad I got that our of the way. More soon.

Secrets REVEALED! And an Important Teaser

Today’s a busy day, so you’ll only get a quick post. Here, have some food secrets I’ve learned from the Chicken.

- Always soak raw chicken in a mixture of milk and egg whites before frying it.

- All CFA chicken comes shipped as whole breast meat. It’s possibly the freshest in the biz!

- Real sugar has no equal, and all dishes that include it use 100% pure stuff. This includes the side dishes.

- You too can become a former Homosexual with only one year of therapy and strong enough faith! The reason why people say otherwise? DUH, the APA is run by LIBERALS and SCIENTISTS who believe in DEMONIC influences like EVOLUTION and doubt the absolute objective power of prayer and faith to cure sicknesses.

Yeah, that last one ain’t no food secret, it’s a teaser. Stay tuned, as this story reveals a very dark side to fundamentalism which not only screws up homosexuals, but also led me into my own dark place. It’s a very important story that I need more time to tell.

To Be Fair

Culturally insensitive assholes work everywhere. Obtuse culturally insensitive assholes work everywhere. It’s not a CFA-exclusive thing AT ALL.

I think what set it apart in this case was the fact that it was done in such an earnest and selfless way. Yeah, he THOUGHT he was doing something incredibly nice, and encouraged others to do it, explicitly as an act of Christian love (getting the Hispanic workers to go to a church was a BIG deal). The definition of Love! Go out of your way to accommodate them! It’s downright tolerant!

Yeah, it’s just like when Catholic missionaries came to this country and read off the edicts of their church to Native Americans in Latin in order to get them to convert (or die). “Your soul might have already been saved! Look for the Publisher’s Clearing House envelope to see if YOU’VE won a trip to heaven!”

Let this be a warning to everyone: if you’re gonna try to be culturally sensitive, for the love of Christ our Lord, think before you do it. Otherwise, you make you and your comrades of the faith who you represent (be you religious or not) look as foolish as those missionaries and this guy.